This Is What Happens When You Finally Give Yourself A Chance. Why Did I Join Todays Woman 2026?

Why did I join this contest you may ask?

      Well what I have come to realise out of this entire process of writing this article and the process going to the Live show is that 

“I didn’t become confident first and then apply. I applied while I was still learning to believe in myself.”

       Let me explain.  Have you ever wanted to try something, but talked yourself out of it before you even started?

         Maybe you thought you weren't good enough. Maybe you looked around and decided that people like you weren't the kind of people who did things like that. Maybe you told yourself, "I'll do it when I'm thinner," "when I'm more confident," "when I have more experience," or simply, "maybe someday."

I know that feeling very well.

              For a long time, I thought there were certain things I simply wasn't meant to do. Not because anyone had officially told me I couldn't, but because I had absorbed so many messages about what a woman was supposed to look like, how she was supposed to carry herself, and who was allowed to feel beautiful.

           I am 36 years old, living in Osaka. I love travelling, cooking and listening to music. In my free time, I enjoy talking with my friends and family or going on little "side quests" around Japan to discover somewhere new.

From the outside, that might sound like an ordinary life.

            But there was a time when simply being comfortable with myself in this world and deserving of anything felt like something I had to earn.

I learned very early that my body was something to apologize for

                 Growing up, I became conscious of being fat. Not just being bigger, but believing that my particular body was somehow wrong and non deserving.

              I didn't have the body shape that I thought a beautiful woman was supposed to have. I was conscious of my stomach. I was conscious of having a flatter butt. I became aware of the fact that being fat was treated differently from being thin, and being a disproportionately shaped fat woman seemed to come with another layer of judgment.

              Some of those messages came from society while some came from people close to me. As a teen, I loved dancing and loved going to teen parties but as soon as this song started playing and it played a lot as it was a hit the; Nateshia DISAPPEARED. Its like it shone an insecurities spotlight on me that I couldn't evade. I think to this day I I do hear it I hate it and somewhere deep inside teenager Nateshia shudders with insecurities a bit but adult Nateshia got her back so the feelings subsides.

       The battle of my insecurities came from within my home as well.  One sentence from my older brother stayed with me for years:

"You would be the cutest of mommy's children if you did mawga." Mawga is the Jamaican term for skinny.

     It sounds like just one simply or joking sentence. But when you're young, comments like that can become much bigger than the moment in which they were said especially if they are continuously said and reinforced through your culture. They can be added to that negative voice in your head when you look in the mirror.

         Those comments can be added to the reasons you don't wear something you love. Those comments can become the reason you assume someone couldn't possibly find you attractive.

   They can become the reason you walk into a room already wondering whether you belong there.

      For much of my life, I carried messages like those with me- weighing me down- stopping my shine. By my late twenties, I realized I couldn't keep living entirely from that place. I needed to understand where my low self-esteem came from, and more importantly, I needed to learn that I didn't have to remain trapped inside it.

    That was the beginning of a different relationship with myself.

I learned how to believe in myself, then I lost some of it

         One of the things that helped me begin that process was joining a club called World Ventures in 2017, where I participated in self-development lessons.

             At the time, the club involved a lot of promotion and sales. I struggled with that part because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to put myself out there and sell something whether I believed in the product or not.

     But the self-development lessons made me look inward. The lessons made me ask:

''Why didn't I believe in myself?''

''Why am I so afraid of what other people think of me and of what I do?''

''What would happen if I actually trusted myself?''

         I began learning how confidence works from the World Ventures self development lessons. I started understanding that confidence isn't something that magically appears before you do something. Sometimes, confidence is something you build by doing the thing you were afraid to do.

          Then, when I moved to Japan in 2019 I lost it again.

           During my first few years here, much of what I had learned about personal development slowly slipped away.

                The language barrier made me question whether I could really succeed here. I eventually stopped the club because I couldn't see how I could achieve what I wanted in an environment where communication itself could sometimes feel like a challenge.

             And I started making myself smaller again. Shrinking on the train when I sat as I didn't want others to feel uncomfortable with my body taking up seat space. 

               I became very conscious of being a black fat woman living in Japan. I became conscious of being a Black woman living in Japan. I noticed how certain aspects of everyday life were not necessarily designed with someone like me in mind.

Instead of asking, "Can I do this?"

I started asking, "Is someone like me supposed to do this?"

          There is a big difference between those two questions. The second one can quietly steal years from you.

Then came one little question: What if?

          In January 2024, I sat down with my Year Compass (as I did the year before when my sister introduced it to me) and started mapping out the year ahead.

         Somewhere in that process, I had a burst of inspiration. 

What if I took a chance on myself?

What if I tried some of the things I had been thinking about?

What if I stopped waiting until I felt completely confident and just did it?

         It wasn't a dramatic movie moment where everything suddenly changed. I didn't wake up the next morning completely healed from years of insecurity.

But something definitely shifted.

           The first impulsive thing I did was pitch to three (3) brands like Cider Curve, Shien and Shimaruma as they were brands I used before and since I came to Japan and brands that I love. Additionally, I started looking for encouragement and advice for how to do what I need to again. I talked to family and friends.

            I sought advice about branding myself and pitching properly from branding strategist friend of mine. I searched for people and communities that could help me continue growing. I collected little pieces of motivation wherever I found them.

         Some things worked. Some didn't. I failed at some things too like not actually getting brand ambassador deals from those three (3) brands I pitched to even though I really wanted those deals. I failed at not being confident always. The amount of time I reverted into my insecurities shell, I lost count but with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pick myself up again and continue persuing my dreams.

     But the important part was that was that the thought of, "What if I can actually do this?" refused to leave me alone. It followed me through 2024, into 2025 and stuck with me until now. That was the energy I was carrying when I decided to apply for Today's Woman.

Applying was already a victory for me

          When people hear that someone became a finalist in a beauty contest, they might naturally think the important moment was becoming a finalist.

For me, it wasn't.

        The important moment was setting up the interview up with Steven and Susumu and ACTUALLY going and meeting them. I WAS A BALL OF NERVES! I'm pretty sure they saw it but they were champs not to even make it known. The other big thing was filling out the application form.

     Because I knew exactly what that meet up and that application represented. It meant I was choosing to bet on myself instead of allowing my insecurities to decide what I was capable of.

              I wasn't suddenly convinced that I was the most beautiful woman in the room thus could join a beauty pageant. I wasn't suddenly free from every insecurity I had carried since childhood. I was simply saying, "I'm going to try and give it my best."

            And sometimes "I'm going to try" is one of the bravest sentences a person can say.

        Then, I got the confirmation that I was a finalist. I was in doubt that I would so I was shocked. And honestly, that felt like life looking at me and saying:

"See? You took the chance. You did what you needed to do. And you made it through."

      Becoming a finalist gave me something I didn't realize I needed.

PROOF.

        Proof that applying hadn't been a out of this world ridiculous thought. Proof that I wasn't being unrealistic by believing I could belong in that space. Proof that I hadn't overestimated myself. 

Maybe, for the first time, I had simply underestimated myself.

I am NOT 100% Confident yet and that's okay

         There is something I want to be honest about. I haven't reached some magical destination called "complete self-confidence." I still have moments when I doubt myself. I still make mistakes. I still mess things up.

          And when I do, I can absolutely go home and replay the entire situation in my head, remembering every awkward thing I said and quietly cringing at myself.

   That's me.

          I'm not interested in pretending that growth means becoming perfect. For me, growth has meant learning that I can make a mistake without deciding that I am a failure.

          It has meant learning that I can be afraid and still take action. I can be insecure and still show up. I can be unsure and still take the opportunity.

       Many people have been messaging me or even sending messages through persons I'm close with to tell me they love how brave I am, they wish me well and above all that I'm inspiring them. Some of these third party messages are coming from people who are societally beautiful.

          When, I reflect at some of the things they say I'm shocked because how can someone who is beautiful, sexy etc not think they are or not think they could do things like content creation  or enter a pageant. In my mind I without a doubt think they could and think they would succeed at it because they are the acceptable body type, pretty, talented, creative whatever better comparative feature I saw in them. Then I realize, I can have a body that doesn't fit society's traditional idea of beauty and still look in the mirror and love my eyes, my smile, my fingers and even my toes because I believe in me.

       I can be different and still belong. Most importantly, I can be a work in progress and still be enough. Still be deserving.

I used to think beauty belonged to other people

        For a long time, I believed that the women who were allowed to do things like this were slender, conventionally beautiful, universally admired, able-bodied and somehow already confident.

          I thought those women were the ones who got to stand on stages. I thought those women were the ones who could put themselves forward. I thought those women were the ones who could be seen.

      Looking back, I realize how much of that belief was taught to me.

            Society had given me a very narrow definition of what "wonderful" looked like  or what kind of ''fat'' is acceptable, and I had accepted it as fact.

             But that's FAR from the truth. Beauty isn't about finally becoming acceptable to everyone else. Beauty is the moment you become comfortable being yourself.

          That's one of the things I want my participation in Today's Woman Plus Size Beauty Contest 2026 to represent.

Not just "Look at me, a plus-size woman on a stage." 

Not just "Look at me, a Black woman living in Japan."

Not just ''Look at me I was able to do it because of whatever privilege you thing I have in getting here''.

          Those are parts of who I am, but they aren't the whole story. In fact as you have read thus far, no privilege was given. I worked through the good, the bad and the ugly emotions to love who I am.

       I want to represent the woman who kept getting back up after falling flat on her flat butt many times.

          The woman who was scared but tried anyway. The woman who didn't have everything figured out but stepped out of her comfort zone anyway and betted on herself.

           The woman who still struggles sometimes but refuses to stop believing that growth is possible.

          The woman who wants other people who have felt unseen or afraid or believed they are not brave enough to do anything like this, to know that they deserve to be seen too.

Maybe the point isn't becoming fearless

           If there is one thing I have learned from this journey, it is that courage and confidence are not the same thing.

            I used to think I needed confidence before I could take the first step. Now I think sometimes the first step is what teaches you that you can take another one.

You don't have to become fearless. You don't have to become perfect.

You don't have to wait until you look different, feel different, have more money, have more experience, or become the version of yourself you think the world will approve of.

You can start from where you are. You can be nervous and still step out in self faith. You can question yourself. You can even fail.

And you can still choose yourself.

That's what "betting on myself" means to me now.

      It doesn't mean believing that everything will work out exactly the way I want it to work out.

It means believing that I am worth taking the chance on.

I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still figuring things out.

But I'm no longer waiting for permission to become the woman I want to be.

         And maybe that's what a challenge is really for. Not to prove that you are already confident enough. Not to prove that you are perfect.

       But to discover what becomes possible when, despite all the reasons you could give yourself to stay where you are, you quietly say:

What if I bet on myself?

Maybe you don't need to know exactly where that decision will take you.

Maybe you just need to take the first step and find out.

       I'm a Todays Woman 2026 Finalist 👑. I'm hoping others will believe they're worthy by first believing in themself. ✨

        You don't have to become fearless before you start. You can be afraid, uncertain, imperfect and still choose and be your authentic self.

         I Didn't Become Confident. I Just Started Betting On Myself And Remaining Loyal To Who I am. 

I AM ME!