映画【アキラ】経験値と「しらない」ということ｜Movie "AKIRA": Experience and "Not Knowing"

ーAn AI-translated English version follows the Japanese text.
　　日本語の文章の最後に、AI翻訳による英語版記載ー

映画を観て文章を書く時のマイルール

noteに初めて映画のことを書いた文章【サブスタンス】はたまごと鶏とシャイニング🍳でも軽く触れたのだが…
映画を観てnoteの文章を書く時のわたしのマイルール》は…

映画のはなしのまえに〈わたし〉のはなし

絶望パスタ

もはや〈当時付き合っていた彼〉と、書こうとしても…。どの彼と一緒に食べたのか…全く思い出せないほど。〈パスタの方が記憶に残っている〉という、わたしの中での《伝説のパスタ》がある。

当時、渋谷なのに少し静かに感じた…ビルの中に、そのレストランはあった。少し並んでお店に入ったのでパスタが出てくる頃には、お腹がぺこぺこ…

と、ここまで書いても目の前にいたはずの、彼の顔が全く出てこない苦笑

「ねぇ《絶望パスタ》って知ってる？」と聞いてきた、顔の思い出せない彼は…そのパスタを食べたことがあるようだった。その強烈なネーミングを聞いて〈いつか食べてとっても美味しかった新宿の爆弾おにぎり〉を思い出した。

薄暗い日のランチどきだったのか、お昼を食べ逃したのか…。少し薄暗い中を、お店に入ってからメニューを見るも…《絶望パスタ》と心に決めていたので〈順番待ちの間の読み物〉としてメニューを眺めていた。

いざパスタが運ばれてきて、その見た目で「あー絶望なんだ」と感じた。小さい頃イタリアンレストランをやっていた祖父に教えて貰った方法。トングでパスタを一回巻いてからお皿に盛り付け、後からソースをかける〈フルコースのような盛り付けのパスタ〉では無い。

どちらかというとスープパスタのようで《オーブンからそのまま、持ってきました》とでもいうかのような感じだったと記憶している。

《絶望》という名から、どんな見た目のパスタが来るのかと思いきや…。どちらかというと家庭的な、スピード料理のような…その見た目に、拍子抜けしたのを覚えている。そしてもっと驚いたのは…その味だった。

絶望パスタを食べる前にお腹が空いていたことが、さらに拍車をかけたとは思うが…。《とてつもなく美味しかった》のだ。あの絶望パスタを食べてから早、10年以上。食べたのはたった1回だが…今も忘れられない美味しさだった。

選ぶことのなかったみち

大学時代は教員養成課程に進んだが…。その少し前、小学生の頃「医者になりたい」と中学受験をしたものの…すぐに自分の能力や性格から「医者には、なれない」と感じた…。そんな反動もあってか、そもそも勉強には向いていないのか…。中高一貫だったため中学時代は勉強には、そこまで注力していなかった。

しかし高校手前の中三の時、進路を選ぶタイミングが来た。いわゆる「理系か文系か」と言うヤツだ。わたしは迷わず《看護系の大学》に行くことができるコースを選んだのだ。文系ではあるが、必要最低限の理系の勉強ができるようなコースだった。

今思い返すと、よくできた学校に通わせてもらっていたとおもうが…。その看護系のコースの中で本気で看護師を目指す人には、任意ではあったが〈1日看護体験〉に行くことがミッションとして教員から言い渡された。

最初のうちは「いまはもうほとんど、かぶらないよ」と言われながらも…。ナースキャップをかぶることができるのが、うれしかったし…。雑用であったとしても、最前戦の現場で《必要とされる実感》を得られたことに味を占めて…他の子よりも、多く〈看護体験〉に行っていた。

看護体験の最初に、必ず「この業界、身体が〈排泄物〉を受け入れられない人はこの仕事は無理」と告げられる。ナースキャップに浮かれた女子学生はたいてい、ここで「排泄物？？？」と《真顔》になっていた。という…そんなわたしも、真顔になったうちの一人だった。しかしそのアドバイスも、社会人経験を経て愛情あふれた助言だったとありがたい気持ちでいっぱいになる…。

というのも…最近になり大学で看護実習に行って初めて、その現実を知り…進路変更せざる負えない人の話を何度も聞いたからだ。

そんな大学生の進路変更の話を聞くと…。この〈看護体験〉を任意という名の下…必須としていたわたしの通っていた中高。そして提携病院の看護師さんたちの愛情あふれる〈最初の〉現実をみせる一言は…。《いま》振り返ると、わたしがいかに恵まれた環境にいたのかありがたさをより一層感じる…。

住宅街の道路でバイクデビュー

中年の危機とは本当にあるのだろうか。わたしが幼い頃、唐突に叔父がバイクを買った。理由は今もって知らない。近しい人にしたら以前から話が出ていて、唐突ではなかったのかもしれないが…。わたしには「天からバイクが降ってきたのだ」と、思ったくらいの出来事だった。

正確にはわからないのだが…たぶん保育園くらいのできごと。銀色のピッカピカのバイクは…家族の中で《ハーレー》と呼ばれていた。大人たちは、みんな浮かれていて…。住宅街の道の真ん中で、かわりばんこに後ろに乗せてもらっていた。

「たぶんわたしは乗せてもらえない…」と楽しそうな大人たちを横目に、それでもツヤツヤの〈わたしより何倍も大きなバイク〉に惚れ惚れとしていた。すると…ごきげんな大人たちの視線が急に、わたしに注がれびっくりしたのを昨日のことのように思い出す。

大人たちが「保育園のわたしをどうしたら、ハーレーに乗せられるか」はなしている声が聞こえる。しかしわたしはピカピカ光る〈銀色の管が、複雑に入り組むさま〉に大人たちの視線を痛いほど感じながらも自分が乗るかどうかなんて、もうどうでもよくなって…。バイクの構造に、見とれきっていた。

突然抱き上げられて、わたしはあっという間にハーレーと呼ばれるそのバイクにまたがる叔父の前に〈ビーチサンダル〉で座ったのを覚えている。
漫画で「バイクで後ろに誰を乗せるのか」と言う会話を見聞きするより、はるか以前。自分で気が付かないうちに…わたしはバイクデビューしていた。

どのくらい走ってもらったのか、きっと住宅街の一本道をUターンした程度ほんの２〜３分のできごとだったと思う。バイクで幼いわたしが感じたスピード感は、同じくらいのときスキーで抱えられながらも…自走して、雪山を滑り降りた感覚に似ていた。怖いと感じる前に、地面や周りの景色が逃げていく…。

しかし…その時感じたのは後ろの叔父でも、周囲で見ていた母や祖父母の視線でもなく…。ふくらはぎの内側で「火傷するのではないか」と恐怖をおぼえた、《ハーレーと呼ばれるバイクの体温》だった。

ネタバレなしの感想

とある出来ごとから３０年たったNeoTokyo　そこで生き抜く２人の物語

作品全体のとバイクでの疾走感。アニメでしか表現できない技法など息をのむ瞬間が多い作品。いい意味で気分の悪くなる作品に久しぶりに出会った。気分が悪くなるのは誰に自分を重ねるからか…スクリーンで確かめてほしい作品（140文字）

ネタバレありの感想

「しらない世界をしる」という贅沢さ

わたしにとって知らないは武器だ。「わたし、知らないので教えてください」は〈若い頃しか通用しない〉と京都に来て職場の先輩に言われた。確かに、その通りの部分もある。しかしどれだけおじいちゃん、おばあちゃんになったとしても〈この世界のこと全部を知る〉ことなんて不可能だ。

本やネットではなく…〈生きてきた人からでしか得られない熱量〉だって、わたしはあると信じている。そんな熱量を肌で感じる時間ほど贅沢なものはない。

どんな職人さんだって賛否あったとしても新しいものと融合を試みるときは、１から知らない世界を知る努力をするだろう。

どんな仕事だって一緒だとおもう。わたしの先輩は、ひよっこみたいなわたしに「お前は早くどこに行っても恥ずかしくない知識を身に付けろ」という意味で言ったのだったと思うが…。プライドが邪魔をして、たとえ子ども相手だとしても…。「わたしにわかるように教えてください」の一言が言えないような、おばあちゃんにはわたし自身絶対になりたくない。

【アキラ】に出てくるテツオはどうしても、カネダの赤いバイクに乗ってみたい。自分が経験したことないことを、経験してみたくてしょうがないことが冒頭の…。バイクにまたがり恍惚とした表情を浮かべテツオのくちから〈知ってる知識が溢れ出てくるシーン〉で、ありありと伝わってくる。

しかし実際に、運転してみると技術と知識と、《経験》が足りずに後ろに女の子を乗せたまま…バイクは、とまってしまう。自分がバイクを乗りこなせなかったことで、更に〈カネダと赤いバイクに対するテツオの尊敬の念〉は高まっていく。

知らないことを知る快感は麻薬に近い。その快感を知ってしまったら、戻れないのだ。それが憧れの人や、対象であれば拍車がかかるのはなおさらである…。

わたしは《知らない世界のことを知るのがすき》だ。いわゆるオタクを極めた人の話や職人さんの話だって…その人が恍惚と語る、その表情から〈今までどうやって知識を身に付けてきたのか〉感じ取ることだってできる。
なのでわたしはほんの些細なことだって…ネットで調べて、「そうだったのか」となる瞬間より…。専門知識のある人から聞く話も貴重だと思うし、何時間だって聞いていられる。

ただし知らない世界の話でも…。話し手の配慮がなければわたしは全くもって、興味を示すことができない…。
〈小学校１年生でも理解できるように話すことができる〉。
つまりは、《知らないという状態の相手の立場に立ってはなすことができる人》の話しか頭に入ってこない…。

しかし…これはわたしの〈情報を聞き出す能力〉の問題でもあったりするので「ごめんでしかない！！！」と、おもいながら聞き出す気力・体力のない時は、早々に知らない世界の話を聞き出すことを諦めることもある。笑

イメージとギャップ　海外から見た日本

リオオリンピックの閉会式での東京オリンピックの告知のまま、開会式が行われていたのなら…TOKYOオリンピックの開会式に【AKIRA】は登場しただろうか…。それとも大人の事情で登場しなかっただろうか…。空想が止まらない。

TOKYOオリンピックの閉会式。次にオリンピックが開催されるパリのまちが放送されたが…その時の様子と日本の様子の違いに本当に驚いた。
無観客のスタジアムの日本の一方、誰一人マスクをせずに肩を組み楽しそうに映るパリ市民に本当に驚いた。
（リサーチしてないので、当時のパリの様は世界にそうみせたいイメージだった可能性も捨てきれないが…本当に驚いたのだ。）

わたしたちが〈世界に見せたい現代の日本〉ではなく…。海外から見た日本はどのように見えるのだろう。日本と言えばSAMURAI　GEISYA　NINJYA…。京都に住んでいると嫌と言うほど見たり聞いたりする。コロナも落ち着いた頃、京都にある太秦映画村に行ったことがあるが…。忍者や【エバンゲリオン】に熱狂する外国の観光客が多くて本当に驚いた。

最初、映画を見る前はポスターの赤いバイクに乗る〈カネダ イコールア キラ〉なのだと思っていた。しかし映画を見始めてすぐに、アキラへの熱気が異様なことに気が付いて…。《カネダの下の名前、がアキラではなさそうだ…》となる。

映画後半につれアキラは、なんなら〈宗教やカリスマ性〉を表しているのではないか？と思うほどの描かれ方だ…。そしてアキラは最後の最後まで、姿を現さないし何なら表してからの形態の変容はもう…すんごいスピード感に、おくちあんぐり状態に近い。

海外から見た日本のイメージを客観的に初めてとらえたのは、テキストに出てきた風刺画だとおもう。こんな風に日本は見えている・いたのか…と知ったあと。観た映画の世界は納得できるものが多かった。

風刺画が書かれた頃から日本の世界の印象は、変わったのだろうか…。

京都で海外の人に道を尋ねられて、そのまま「どこから来たの？どこへ行くの？日本に何をしに来たの？」と雑談をしていると…。高確率で出てくるワードがある《ジブリ》だ…。

この間は行きつけの飲食店に、どこかの海外観光客が仕込んだとみられる〈まっくろくろすけ〉が隙間に挟まっていたし…。ジブリ美術館へ行った写真を何人の、海外の人に見せてもらったことだろう…。

大好きな海外ドラマ【ストレンジャーシングス】の原作者。双子のダーファ兄弟は【アキラ】を観て育ったと語っていた。そんな二人が創った【ストレンジャーシングス】の設定は【アキラ】そのもので驚いた。プロモーションで最近も日本を訪れ、ゲーム会社との対談も行っていたようだが…。彼らの目に今の日本はどう映ったのか…聞いてみたい。そこにわたしの知らない世界の、日本があるかもしれない…。

腕まくりと経験値

よい方法と言えない方法で、テツオが後ろに女の子を乗せ〈憧れの赤いバイク〉が走り出した直後…。バイクがとまってしまってから、すぐに場面は重い空気をまとう。

こんな感じでテツオは、自分の起こした行動が起因ではあるが…。どんどん外的環境によりボロボロになっていく。そのさまがとってもわかりやすかったのが、袖（そで）だ。着ている服の袖が外的要因によりどんどん破れ…。ノースリーブ状態になっていく。その状態を赤い布でマントのように自身で覆って、ヒーローのように振る舞ったりもするのだが…。
最期には、強烈なことに腕までも失ってしまう。

この〈袖が外的要因によりノースリーブ化する現象〉、他のキャラにも起こるのだ。一方カネダは〈自分自身の意思〉でしたと思われる、《腕まくり》か上着を脱いで腕が見える状態になっている。作品を通じた〈服装の破れや肌の露出〉は、それぞれの《経験値を表しているのでは？》と、はたと映画館の座席で気がついた。

すると袖にしか目がいかなくなるのだが…。この作品のすごいところは、そんなわたしの袖への集中力を上回る《衝撃の展開》の連続だ。

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どんな経緯で乗るかを知ったうえで、テツオのバイクの後ろにまたがった女の子の服は全て剥ぎ取られ…。テツオ自身、ラストシーンでは服に身体が収まりきらなくなる。服の面積がなくなるのに比例して…洗濯機の中のような外的要因の中で、振り回されながらも身につけていく《彼女、彼らの経験値》の現れに服の破れが思えてならなかった。（決して性的暴力を、容認しているわけではありません。）

そんな彼らの憧れの的であるカネダは〈自分で道を選択し〉洗濯機の中のようなところへ、自分の意思で入っていく。その動機が〈女の子と仲良くなりたい一心〉であっても、ともに過ごした〈テツオを助けたい一心〉であっても…。《自らの意思》であることと、気づかないうちに自分の行動の要因に飲み込まれるのでは全然ちがう。

この《袖現象 笑》の考えに、映画を観ながら行き着いた時。わたしは気づかないうちの自分の行動による結果…人生に飲み込まれてしまうのではなく、《自分の意思で》自分の生きたい人生を歩めるようになりたいと…。テツオをみて心底、感じた瞬間だった。

依存とモルヒネ

テツオとカネダは幼少期から共に過ごし、パワーバランスは常にカネダが上だった。そんなカネダをテツオは慕っているし、慕ってくれるテツオがいるからこそ力を発揮できるカネダの関係性でもあったはずだ。

しかし政府の実験によって、その物理的なパワーバランスは逆転していく。ただ最後まで〈流されて力を持ったテツオ〉と《強い意思をもって行動するカネダ》の見えないパワーバランスは変わらない。

そんなカネダが肌身離さず着ているジャケットの背中には、大きくカプセル状の薬が書かれている。映画【マトリックス】では赤か青かの薬を強制的に選ばせられるが…背中の薬は赤と青両方の色のカプセルで成り立っている。

崇拝するようなテツオとカネダの間にある物理的距離がラストシーンでどうなったのか、まったくもってわたしには不明だが…。崇拝してくれるテツオと言う存在が、物理的にそばにいない中でのカネダの今後が気になるところだ。

テツオは憧れていた世界の知らないことを知る快感から、自分のレベルで生きる現実に帰ってこられなくなってしまった。
カネダには、日常の風景だったとしても…。テツオが知らなかった世界を知る快感は、彼にとって麻薬に近かったのだろう。副作用もあるがそんなことがテツオ自身腑に落ちるよりも早く、快感にとりこまれてしまう。知ってしまったら戻れないのが怖いと保健の授業で、ドラッグについて習ったことを思い出す。

幼い頃在宅医療がまだ普及していない時に、自宅で父を看取った。最期の最期まで、緩和医療のための薬を嫌がっていた父は薬によって、自分を失いたくなかったのだ。
自宅でわたしの目の高さにあった、機会の中のモルヒネ。色がないはずなのに、澄んだあのモルヒネの色が忘れられない。

最後は終末医療を熟知した看護師さんとの対話で、薬の使用を許可したようだが…。わたしと母の前では絶対に、最初の薬の使用を許可することはなかったと記憶している。あの時父はどんな思いで、病気の苦痛と闘っていたのだろうか…。

バイクや車好きの人は、お金を湯水のごとくつぎ込むらしい…と言うのは、一緒に過ごす奥さん界隈の情報で聴いたことがある。実際にバイクが好きだった人の旦那さん側の話では、絶対に自分のすることにNOと言わない自分の父親から…。「子どもが生まれるのだから、危険なバイクはもうやめなさい」と言われ…泣く泣く乗るのを辞めた話を聞いた。

テツオの憧れたものやパワーを急に手にした末路は、マシンと一体化してコントロールが効かなくなりおびえる姿だった。

現実世界を生きる「しらないことを知らないと言いにくい」男の人にとって、モーターマシンはもしかしたらドラッグに近いのかもしれない…。わたしはその恐怖を《あの、幼い頃のビーチサンダルを履いた足》で感じたのだ。

おまけ

戸田奈津子さんからの宿題

映画の字幕翻訳をされている戸田奈津子さんの講演会を、聴きに行き「むかしのアカデミー賞ノミネート作品をごらんなさい」と言われてから…。勝手に宿題に取り組むように、観る作品に困った時はアカデミー賞のノミネート作品のリストの中から観るようになった。

今回は【ティファニーで朝食を】何度か観たことがあったが、初めて映画館で観ることができた。これで1本文章が書けそうな勢いの作品だった。機会があればサブスクでも見やすい作品と予想されるので、文章を書いてみたいと思う。

ー映画【ナースコール】【フェザーズ】ー　大切な人の死

先日【プロジェクト・ヘイル・メアリー】を観た後でラジオの映画評を聴いた。その時にあまりにネタバレについて的確にコメントされていた。わたしは原作が映像化されたときは、読んでいなければそのまま読まずに映画館へ聞き、気に入ったらあとで原作を読む。

何も知らずに観に行った【フェザーズ】。とんでもなさ過ぎて生まれて初めて映画館で、おなじ日に同じ作品を2回観た。【シャーロック】で大好きになったベネディクト・カンバーバッチが出ているということ以外、タイトルしか知らずに観たのだ。映画のジャンルも最後まで分からなかった。しかし、これをホラー的な要素の作品だと思って観に行った人がいるのなら…。ほしかった作品ではなかったはずだ。

この作品によると、悪魔は絶望を食べて生きているらしい…。楽しく家族が過ごした家は、大切な人が亡くなった場所でもある。そんな場所で悪魔と鳥が闘うあのシーンは、わたしには真実の出来事だった。以前わたしが食べて美味しかった〈絶望パスタ〉…。きっと絶望は、とんでもなく美味しいのだ…。

しかし身近な人を亡くしたことがある人にとっては、ホラーそのものだったかもしれない。わたしには父を亡くして1年経つまで〈そのもの〉追体験すぎて最初観た時は《ホラー》以外のなにものでもなかった。しかし、同じ日に2回目を観た時には…。わたしは《知っている》状態でみることができたため、もう少し俯瞰して観ることができた。

いつか会社の先輩が言っていた「しらないは若い時しか通用しない」はこういうことなのかも…と少し腑に落ちた瞬間だった。経験したことのない混乱の中では、俯瞰して周囲も自分も見ることができないのだ…。ましてや大切な人と自分の身に起きたことであれば、何十年たって振り返ったとしても俯瞰して観ることができるのかは正直、確証がない。

そんなことを考えていたところに、noteでやたらタイトルを観ていた【ナースコール】をようやく観るチャンスが訪れた。映画が始まった瞬間これは、きっと本物だ。と感じたのが《排泄物を片付けるシーン》だった。

わたしが看護師の道に進まなかったのは、身体が排泄物を受け付けなかったからではない…。何度も訪れた「一日看護体験」で生きていたら父と同い年の患者さんの、食事の介助を頼まれたのだ。

【ナースコール】に出てくる看護学生が命じられたのと、全く同じ状況に立たされたのだ。
その時わたしに、この仕事はできないと悟った。あの時、言葉を全く交わすことができないのに…わたしの目をまっすぐ見てくださった患者さんの吸い込まれそうな瞳は、生涯わすれないだろう。

以前、社会人になってダンスをし始めた時…。自衛隊上がりの新人看護師さんと一緒に、着替えていたことがあった。すると突然その人が「今日初めて自分の患者さんが亡くなった…」と教えてくれた。わたしはその情報の裏に…〈エンジェルケア（人が亡くなったあとのケア）までしたのか…どれくらいの時間共に過ごしたのか…〉空想ではあるが、動画としてイメージが頭を駆け巡ってわたしはフリーズしてしまった。彼女に、何か声をかけたと思うが…。全く覚えていない。

大学を選ぶのに、看護学校のオープンキャンパスに行ったとき「看護のカンは手でみると書く」のだと教えてもらった。映画【ナースコール】では必ず、患者さんに触れるシーンが出てくる。

着替えながら「今日自分に生まれて初めて起きた、できごと」を話してくれた彼女を…たとえブラ一枚の着替え途中の姿だったとしても、迷わず抱きしめてあげればよかったと…いまも、たまに後悔する。

在宅で父に寄り添ってくれた看護師さんに、もう直接の恩返しはできない。あの時、彼女をとっさにハグする強引さを持ち合わせていなかったが…。わたしたち家族に寄り添ってくれた恩を…いつかのタイミングで、まだ見ぬだれかだとしても返すことができる日が来ればいい。

日常をつむいで、文章へ…

悪魔も好む絶望という名のついた、絶望パスタ。今も食べられるのかと調べたら…。まさかの関西でも食べられるというではないか…。【フェザーズ】を2回観た日を含め2日間トライしたのだが、どちらも長蛇の列で一時はあきらめかけた…。が、しかし…無事に、とんでもなく美味しいパスタを再び食べることができた。絶望パスタとは10年以上越しの再会だったが…。

約1年ぶりに会うことができた人がいる。以前書いた、わたしのはなしと人生のベスト映画に出てきた〈古民家に暮らす女性主人〉の方だ。

わたしに文章を書くきっかけを与えてくれた彼女に、どーしても直接伝えたいことがあった。「noteで文章を書くきっかけをもらった御礼」と「会わなかった一年の間に、読んでいただいた方からチップをいただけるまでに成長しました」という報告だった。

そのことを伝えると「それはあなたの行動力よ」と言ってくださった。しかしわたしの行動力の原動となってくださったのは、あの古民家で過ごした日だ。その女性とパートナーの方の、やさしさが…わたしの文章となっているのだ。

お目に掛かったのは、そのお二人が主催されているワークショップの真っ最中。わたしもほんとに少しだったが、参加させてもらった。応用編として講師の方から、指での糸のよりかたを教えていただいた。

わたしのひいおばあさんは、糸をつむぐ仕事をしていたらしい…。そんなことに思いを馳せながら…みんなでわいわい、作ったものはわたしの中で〈たからもの〉になった。みんなで、わいわいのさなかに「【千と千尋の神隠し】みたーい」と、少しだが映画の話もできたのも、かけがえのない時間だった。

千尋が、自分の世界にもどっても…。やおよろずの神様たちと過ごし〈努力した日々の証〉として「みんなで紡いだものだよ」と手渡される…あのヘアゴムのような…。かけがえのない贈り物をどう活用しようか、心躍る日曜日となりました。

おしまい

My Rules for Writing About Movies

In my first note about a film, "[The Substance] Eggs, Chickens, and The Shining 🍳," I touched on this briefly... but here are my "My Rules" for writing about movies on note:

— When Writing —

• Spoiler-free reviews: Keep them under 140 characters.

• Spoiler-filled reviews: Don't go into too much detail about the plot.

• The "Me" Story: Before talking about the movie, I always write a "story about myself" that eventually ties into the film, serving as a sort of self-introduction.

A Story About "Me" Before the Movie

Zetsubo Pasta (Despair Pasta)

I can’t even remember which boyfriend I was with when I ate it. No matter how hard I try to recall "the guy I was dating at the time," I can't. The pasta left such a stronger impression that it has become a "legendary pasta" in my mind.

The restaurant was in a building in Shibuya, in an area that felt surprisingly quiet. We waited in line for a bit, so by the time the pasta arrived, I was starving. Even as I write this, I can’t picture his face at all (bitter laugh).

"Hey, do you know about 'Zetsubo Pasta'?" asked the faceless boy, who seemed to have had it before. Hearing that intense name, I remembered a "bomb rice ball" I had in Shinjuku once that was incredibly delicious.

I don't remember if it was a late lunch on a gloomy day or if we had just missed the lunch rush. In the dim interior, I looked at the menu, but since I had already set my heart on "Zetsubo Pasta," I was just browsing the menu as "reading material" while we waited.

When the pasta finally arrived, one look at it made me think, "Ah, so this is 'Despair'." It wasn't the kind of "full-course style" plating my grandfather, who ran an Italian restaurant, taught me—where you twirl the pasta with tongs before plating and pour the sauce over it later.

If anything, it looked like a soup pasta, served as if it had just come straight out of the oven. Given the name "Despair," I expected something more dramatic, but I remember being taken aback by its humble, almost home-cooked, "quick-meal" appearance. But what surprised me even more... was the taste.

While searching for images, I think I found an incredibly wonderful recipe site. (From the movie "The Shining" 🤤)

Hunger might have played a part, but it was extraordinarily delicious. It’s been over ten years since I had that Despair Pasta. I only ate it once, but its flavor remains unforgettable even now.

The Path Not Taken

In university, I pursued a teacher training course. But a little before that, in elementary school, I wanted to be a doctor and took entrance exams for junior high. However, I soon felt that my abilities and personality weren't suited for it. Perhaps as a reaction to that, or maybe because I just wasn't cut out for studying, I didn't put much effort into my schoolwork during my time at a combined junior and senior high school.

【Sailor Suit and Machine Gun】 I realized while searching for images... I thought I had seen it, but I’ve never actually watched this movie properly...

However, in my third year of junior high, the time came to choose a path: the classic "Science or Humanities" choice. I unhesitatingly chose the course that would allow me to enter a nursing university. It was a humanities track, but one that included the minimum necessary science requirements.

Looking back, I realize I was attending a very well-structured school. In that nursing course, those who seriously aimed to be nurses were told by teachers to go on a "One-Day Nursing Experience" (though it was technically optional).

At first, I was told, "We hardly wear them anymore," but I was just happy to wear a nurse's cap. Even if it was just chores, I got a taste of the "feeling of being needed" on the front lines, and I ended up going on more "nursing experiences" than any of the other girls.

At the start of the experience, they always tell you: "In this industry, if your body cannot accept 'human waste,' you can't do this job." The girls who were giddy about their nurse caps usually turned dead serious at the mention of "human waste." I was one of them. Looking back now after having work experience, I feel full of gratitude for that advice—it was a kind warning born of experience.

Recently, I’ve heard many stories of university students who go into nursing practice only to discover this reality for the first time and are forced to change their career paths.

Hearing those stories makes me realize how blessed my environment was. My school made those experiences "mandatory" under the guise of being "optional," and the nurses at the affiliated hospitals gave us that "first" dose of reality out of kindness.

Motorcycle Debut on a Residential Street

In the manga "Tenshi Nanka Janai," Akira rides a bike. On the back is a character from "NANA" by the same author. For a fan, this is an irresistible collaboration...

I wonder if "midlife crises" really exist. When I was little, my uncle suddenly bought a motorcycle. I still don't know why. For those close to him, it might have been a long-discussed topic, but to me, it felt like "a motorcycle had fallen from the sky."

I don't know the exact year, but it was probably when I was in preschool. The shiny silver bike was called a "Harley" by the family. All the adults were excited, taking turns riding on the back in the middle of our residential street.

"I probably won't get to ride," I thought, watching the happy adults. Still, I was mesmerized by that glossy machine, many times larger than myself. Then, the eyes of the cheerful adults suddenly turned toward me. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I could hear them discussing how they could get a preschooler like me onto the Harley. But I was so captivated by the structure of the bike—the way the silver pipes intricately intertwined—that I didn't even care if I got to ride or not.

The "Harley" as seen from my small height.

Suddenly, I was scooped up. Before I knew it, I was sitting in front of my uncle on the bike, wearing nothing but flip-flops. Long before I ever read manga about "who gets to ride on the back," I had made my motorcycle debut without even realizing it.

I don't know how far we went—probably just a U-turn on a single residential street, lasting maybe two or three minutes. The sense of speed I felt as a child was similar to the feeling of being held while skiing down a mountain. Before I could feel afraid, the ground and the scenery were already rushing away.

But what I felt then wasn't the presence of my uncle behind me, or the gaze of my mother and grandparents watching. It was the "body temperature of the bike called Harley"—the fear that my inner calves might actually get burned.

Spoiler-Free Review

AKIRA

A story of two people surviving in Neo-Tokyo, 30 years after a certain event. The overall sense of speed on the motorcycles and the techniques only possible in animation provide many breathtaking moments. It’s been a long time since I encountered a work that made me feel "sick" in a good way. That discomfort comes from wondering which character you see yourself in... It's a film you should experience on the big screen. (140 characters)

Spoiler-Filled Review

The Luxury of "Learning a World You Don't Know"

To me, "not knowing" is a weapon. A senior at work in Kyoto once told me, "Saying 'I don't know, please teach me' only works when you're young." There is certainly truth to that. However, no matter how old we get, it is impossible to know everything about this world.When they heard it was "self-study," instead of being happy, they said, "What are you gonna do about our motivation to study?" That group is just as sharp-tongued as the one who asked the SP, "Are you on your way back from a funeral?" to compensate for the difference in physique...

I believe there is a "heat" that can only be obtained from people who have lived through things, not from books or the internet. There is nothing more luxurious than feeling that heat firsthand. Any craftsman, even if they face criticism, will make the effort to learn a new world from scratch when trying to fuse with something new.

I think it's the same for any job. My senior probably meant, "Hurry up and gain enough knowledge so you won't be embarrassed wherever you go." But I never want to become the kind of old woman whose pride prevents her from saying "Please explain it so I can understand," even to a child.

Even Dola from "Castle in the Sky" would probably shout, "Hey! How do you do that?!" if her curiosity got the better of her.

In AKIRA, Tetsuo desperately wants to ride Kaneda's red motorcycle. His intense desire to experience something he’s never done before is vividly conveyed in the opening scene, where he straddles the bike with an ecstatic expression, words of borrowed knowledge pouring from his mouth.

Tetsuo, mesmerized by Kaneda's red bike.

However, when he actually tries to ride it, his lack of skill, knowledge, and experience causes the bike to stall while a girl is still on the back. His failure only deepens his sense of awe toward Kaneda and the red bike.

When I was a student, I was once given a ride in a manual sports car. I had no idea why it rattled so much. Even now, I can only drive an automatic, so I still don't really get it... but it was probably the driver's skill (laughs). Wait... writing this now, I just realized that might have been my "sports car debut" without me even knowing it... (laughs).

The pleasure of learning something you don't know is like a drug. Once you taste that thrill, there’s no going back. This is especially true when the subject is someone or something you admire.

I love "learning about worlds I don't know." Whether it's a hardcore "otaku" or a master craftsman, I can sense how they’ve acquired their knowledge just by the ecstatic look on their faces as they speak. That’s why I find listening to experts far more precious than just looking something up online and thinking, "Oh, I see." I could listen to them for hours.

*I was mesmerized, thinking it looked like "Tron," but that light effect only lasted for a second, which made me a bit sad. But there was no time to dwell on it—the movie kept hitting me with one thing after another until the credits rolled.*However, even if the topic is fascinating, I can't stay interested if the speaker isn't considerate. I only really connect with people who can explain things simply enough for a first-grader to understand—in other words, those who can speak from the perspective of someone who "doesn't know."

Then again, this might also be a matter of my own ability to "draw information out." When I don't have the mental or physical energy to do that, I sometimes just give up on learning about that new world. (laughs)

After seeing the photos, the usually cool Kaneda can't resist his desire to know more about her.

Image and Gap: Japan as Seen from Abroad

Back then, I never imagined a word like "lockdown" would become part of my reality. I want to kick my past self for thinking bio-terrorism was just "something that happens in movies"...

If the Tokyo Olympics had opened with the same energy as the Rio closing ceremony teaser, would AKIRA have made an appearance? Or would "adult circumstances" have kept it away? My imagination runs wild.

During the Tokyo Olympics closing ceremony, they showed footage of Paris, the next host city. I was truly shocked by the difference. While Japan had an empty stadium, the people in Paris were shown shoulder-to-shoulder, maskless and laughing. (I haven't researched it, so it's possible that was just the image Paris wanted to project to the world, but it still shocked me.)

I wonder how Japan looks to the outside world—not the "modern Japan" we want to show, but the Japan they actually see. SAMURAI, GEISHA, NINJA... living in Kyoto, I hear these words more than I’d like. When I visited the Toei Uzumaki Movie Village after the pandemic settled down, I was amazed by the number of foreign tourists obsessed with ninjas and Evangelion.

My seniors at work, who tell me "It's part of a basic education!" while teaching me the correct order to watch "Evangelion" or "Star Wars," are precious to me. They are the ones who open doors to worlds I don't know.

Before seeing the movie, I thought the person on the red bike in the poster—Kaneda—was Akira. But as soon as the film started, I realized the feverish obsession with "Akira" was something else entirely. I realized, "Wait, Kaneda’s first name probably isn't Akira..."

As the movie progresses, Akira is portrayed almost as a religious or charismatic force. Akira doesn't even appear until the very end, and once he does, the speed of his transformation is enough to leave your jaw on the floor.

Tetsuo's right arm. Ashitaka's right arm in "Princess Mononoke." I wonder if there’s some specific meaning behind the right arm...

I think the first time I objectively grasped the image of Japan from an overseas perspective was through a political caricature in a textbook. After learning how Japan was (and is) perceived, much of what I saw in the movie made sense.

The Japanese character in "Breakfast at Tiffany's." I wonder if the world's impression of Japan has changed since those caricatures were drawn...

When I get asked for directions by tourists in Kyoto, we often end up chatting: "Where are you from? Where are you going? What brings you to Japan?" One word comes up with high frequency: Ghibli.

Boh's room in "Spirited Away" looks a bit like Kiyoko's room... Was Boh's fear of blood also an homage to "AKIRA"?

The other day, I found a "Soot Sprite" (Makkuro Kurosuke) tucked into a crevice at my favorite restaurant, likely left by a tourist. And I can't count how many people have shown me photos from their trip to the Ghibli Museum.

The scene that reminds me of Lord Okkoto's interior in "Princess Mononoke" and makes me feel dizzy.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of my favorite series Stranger Things, have said they grew up watching AKIRA. I was stunned to see how much of the Stranger Things setup is pure AKIRA. They recently visited Japan for a promotion and had a talk with a game company. I’d love to know how today's Japan looked to them. Perhaps in their eyes, there is a version of Japan that I don't even know yet.

From "Stranger Things": Dr. Brenner and the shaved-headed girl called Eleven, with her "011" tattoo.

Rolled Sleeves and Experience Points

Shortly after Tetsuo takes a girl on the back of his "dream red bike" (through less-than-ideal means), the bike stalls, and the atmosphere immediately turns heavy.

From that point on, Tetsuo begins to fall apart, largely due to his own actions but also because of his environment. This is most clearly symbolized by his sleeves. His sleeves get torn away by external forces until he’s essentially wearing a tank top. He tries to cover this up with a red cloth, draped like a hero's cape, but eventually, he loses his entire arm.

This "sleeveless phenomenon" happens to other characters too. Kaneda, on the other hand, is usually shown with his sleeves rolled up by choice, or wearing something that exposes his arms by his own volition. Sitting in the theater, it suddenly hit me: perhaps the tearing of clothes and the exposure of skin represent their "experience points."

Once I noticed the sleeves, I couldn't look at anything else. But the brilliance of this film is that the "shocking developments" far outweighed my obsession with sleeves.

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Knowing the circumstances of how she ended up there, the girl sitting on the back of Tetsuo's bike has all her clothes stripped away... and Tetsuo himself eventually grows so large in the final scene that his body can no longer fit into his clothes. I couldn't help but feel that the loss of clothing area was proportional to the "experience points" they were gaining—being tossed around by external factors as if they were inside a washing machine. (This is by no means an endorsement of sexual violence.)

On the other hand, Kaneda, the object of their admiration, "chooses his own path" and enters that washing-machine-like chaos of his own volition. Whether his motivation is simply wanting to get closer to a girl or a desperate desire to save his friend Tetsuo, there is a world of difference between acting of one's own "free will" and being swallowed by the consequences of one's actions without realizing it.

When I arrived at this "Sleeve Phenomenon (lol)" theory while watching the movie, I felt it from the bottom of my heart. Looking at Tetsuo, I realized I want to be able to live the life I choose, rather than being swallowed by the results of actions I took unconsciously.

Machines and flesh merging and growing together...

It’s almost like modern people who can no longer let go of their smartphones from their dominant hands...

Dependence and Morphine

Tetsuo and Kaneda spent their childhood together, and the power balance was always in Kaneda's favor. Tetsuo looked up to Kaneda, and Kaneda was able to show his strength precisely because he had Tetsuo following him.

However, through government experiments, that physical power balance begins to reverse. Yet, until the very end, the invisible power balance remains unchanged: Tetsuo, who was "swept away" into power, versus Kaneda, who acts with "strong will."

The jacket Kaneda always wears has a large capsule-shaped pill drawn on the back. In the movie The Matrix, one is forced to choose between a red or blue pill, but the pill on his back consists of both red and blue halves.

The choice is entrusted to that pill: do you want to know the truth even if it means losing a stable life or having your world turned upside down, or do you want to remain in a state of being satisfied but knowing nothing?

I’d like to write about the first time I was shown fireflies recently if I get the chance... Kay was also concerned about the way Kaneda gestured as if cupping a "firefly" in his hands...

I have no idea what happened to the physical distance between the idolizing Tetsuo and Kaneda in the final scene... but I wonder about Kaneda's future now that the existence of Tetsuo, who worshipped him, is no longer physically by his side.

Tetsuo became unable to return to the reality of his own level because of the pleasure of knowing things about a world he had only admired. To Kaneda, it might have been an everyday sight, but the thrill of knowing a world he didn't know was like a drug to Tetsuo. There are side effects, but before Tetsuo could even process that, he was consumed by the pleasure. It reminds me of what I learned in health class: the fear that once you know, you can never go back.

I thought ordering "three peanuts" at the counter meant they had no money... but watching it again, I realized it was slang for drugs...

When I was a child, before home medical care was widespread, I watched over my father as he passed away at home. Until the very end, my father hated the medication for palliative care because he didn't want to lose himself to the drugs. I can never forget the color of the morphine in the machine, which was right at my eye level at home. Even though it should have been colorless, that morphine looked so clear.

In the end, it seems he permitted the use of the drug after a conversation with a nurse who was well-versed in terminal care... but I remember that he never allowed the first use of the drug in front of me or my mother. I wonder what my father was thinking then, as he fought the pain of his illness...

The manga "BANANA FISH" that a senior at work once lent me was also a great one, starting with the mystery of "What is Banana Fish?" just like Akira.

I’ve heard from the "wives' circle" that people who love bikes and cars tend to pour money into them like water. I also heard a story from a man who loved bikes; his father, who never said "no" to anything he did, told him, "A baby is coming, so stop riding dangerous motorcycles," and he tearfully gave it up.

The end for Tetsuo, who suddenly gained the power and things he admired, was the sight of him terrified as he merged with the machine and lost all control.

For men living in the real world who find it "hard to say they don't know what they don't know," motor machines might be something close to a drug... I felt that terror with those "young feet wearing flip-flops."

Extra

Homework from Natsuko Toda

I went to a lecture by Natsuko Toda, a film subtitle translator, and she told me, "Go watch the old Academy Award nominees." Since then, I’ve started watching films from the list of Oscar nominees whenever I’m unsure what to watch, as if I’m working on a self-assigned homework project.

This time it was Breakfast at Tiffany's. I had seen it several times before, but I was able to see it in a movie theater for the first time. It was a work with enough impact to write an entire article about. If I have the chance, I’d like to write about it, as it’s a film that’s likely easy to find on streaming services.

—Movies: [Nurse Call] [Feathers] — The Death of a Loved One—

The other day, after watching [Project Hail Mary], I listened to a movie review on the radio. The commentator’s remarks about spoilers were incredibly spot-on. Whenever a book is adapted into a film, if I haven't read the original, I go to the theater without reading it first. If I like the movie, I read the book afterward.

I rarely watch Japanese films in theaters, but [To Carry My Brother in a Portable Size] was a work where I was truly glad I read the original book after seeing the movie.

I went to see [Feathers] without knowing anything about it. It was so overwhelming that, for the first time in my life, I watched the same movie twice on the same day. I went in knowing nothing but the title and the fact that it starred Benedict Cumberbatch, whom I loved in [Sherlock]. I didn't even know the genre until the very end. If someone went to see it expecting a typical horror film... it probably wasn't what they were looking for.

[Feathers]

According to this film, demons live by eating despair. A home where a family spent happy times is also the place where a loved one passed away. To me, that scene where the demon and the bird fight in such a place felt like a true event. Thinking back to that "Zetsubo Pasta" (Despair Pasta) I ate and loved... despair must be incredibly delicious.

However, for someone who has lost someone close to them, it might have felt like pure horror. For me, having lost my father, it was such a vivid re-experience that for the first year, it was nothing but "horror" when I first saw it. But when I watched it for the second time that same day, I was able to see it from a slightly more objective perspective because I was watching it in a state of "knowing."

It was a moment where what a senior at work once told me—"Not knowing only works when you're young"—finally clicked. In the midst of an unprecedented chaos, you cannot look at yourself or your surroundings objectively. Especially if it's something that happened to a loved one and yourself, I honestly can't say for sure if I'll ever be able to look back on it objectively, even decades later.

While I was thinking about these things, I finally got the chance to watch [Nurse Call], a title I had been seeing frequently on note. The moment the movie started, I felt, "This is the real deal." What made me feel that was the scene of cleaning up human waste.

The reason I didn't pursue the path of a nurse wasn't that my body couldn't handle human waste. During one of my many "One-Day Nursing Experiences," I was asked to assist with a meal for a patient who was the same age my father would have been if he were still alive.

I was placed in the exact same situation as the nursing student in [Nurse Call]. At that moment, I realized I couldn't do this job. I will never forget the absorbing eyes of that patient who, despite being unable to speak a single word, looked straight into my eyes.

Later, after I started working and began taking dance classes, I was changing clothes with a new nurse who was a former Self-Defense Force member. Suddenly, she told me, "One of my patients died for the first time today..." Behind that information, my mind began to race with images—did she perform the "Angel Care" (post-mortem care)? How much time did they spend together? I froze. I think I said something to her, but I don't remember at all.

When I went to a nursing school open house to choose a university, I was taught that the "Kan" in "Kango" (nursing) is written with the character for "looking with one's hands." In the movie [Nurse Call], there are always scenes of touching the patients.

As we were changing, I still occasionally regret that I didn't just hold her in my arms—even if she was half-dressed in just her bra—after she shared "the event that happened to her for the first time in her life."

I can no longer directly repay the nurse who stayed by my father's side at home. At that time, I didn't have the strength to impulsively hug her. But I hope that someday, I can return the kindness she showed our family to someone else I have yet to meet.

Spinning Daily Life into Words...

Despair Pasta, named after the despair that even demons love. When I looked it up to see if I could still eat it, I found out that it’s actually available in Kansai. I tried for two days, including the day I watched [Feathers] twice, but both times there were long lines and I almost gave up. However, I finally managed to eat that incredibly delicious pasta again. It was a reunion with Despair Pasta after more than ten years.

There is someone I was able to meet again after about a year. It’s the woman who lives in the old folk house, who appeared in my previous story and my "best movies of my life" list.

I had something I desperately wanted to tell her in person—the woman who gave me the inspiration to start writing. I wanted to say, "Thank you for giving me the spark to write on note," and report that "In the year we didn't meet, I've grown to the point where I receive tips from readers."

When I told her that, she said, "That's because of your own proactiveness." But the engine of my proactiveness was that day I spent in that old folk house. The kindness of that woman and her partner has become my writing.

I met them right in the middle of a workshop they were hosting. I was able to participate for a little while. As an advanced lesson, the instructor taught me how to twist thread with my fingers.

A one-of-a-kind ball of yarn created at the workshop.

Apparently, my great-grandmother's job was spinning thread. Thinking about that, we all had fun making things together, and what I made became a "treasure" to me. In the midst of the fun, we even talked a little about movies, saying "This is just like [Spirited Away]!" It was a precious time.

Even after Chihiro returns to her own world, she is handed a hair tie—a testament to the days she worked hard with the myriad gods—with the words, "We all wove this together." It became a Sunday that made my heart dance, thinking about how to use this precious gift, much like that hair tie.

The End